Madison Land

Madison is dancing slowly in circles with her eyes closed. Her hair is platinum blonde and feathery and flows like a cloud around her. She is oblivious to the other restaurant patrons. She might be out in a meadow somewhere, or on a beach. Madison is in Madison Land where all is perfect and she is perfectly free. Her energy has no limits, and her laugh is infectious. I can imagine that she will ask for something to eat in about an hour, right about bedtime. She'll announce that she is SO hungry, and her mom and dad will remind her of the wonderful dinner that sat ignored on her plate as she bounced around and giggled. Madison is five. She is every happy part of being five. She is surrounded by people who love her and would never hurt her. She believes in herself and is satisfied with her little five-year-old life. She is testing out what happens when you speak defiantly to Daddy. She readily says "sorry" when she knows she's overstepped a boundary. She accepts compliments simply, and with a little sweep of her delicate hand she pushes the hair from her eyes and says "thanks" or just makes a sound like "mmhmm". Madison looks like a little angel, but her voice carries to the next room easily. She knows who she is, what she wants, and what it is she needs you to do. I can see lots of activity going on behind her brilliant blue eyes. I want to know Madison at six, and seven, and seventeen... I want to watch her grow and change. Madison Land. I wouldn't mind spending an afternoon there every so often.

Final moments at more than just a "job"

How do you really say "goodbye" to people in whom you've invested your time, your prayers, your absolute attention, your best skills, and your life for ten years? It is not an easy thing. Yesterday, as one of the troopers was filling out some paperwork while leaning on my console, he mouthed the words "Don't go". Don't go. Well, I have to go and basically, now I am gone.

Tonight was my last shift. At about 10 minutes before 10pm, Dolores came up to me with her headset ready to plug in and said "Ready?" Tears INSTANTLY filled my eyes. I shook my head, but unplugged. How strange. To unplug, knowing I will not plug in again. I realize that readers cannot grasp the hugeness of this.

We form what they call a "lifeline". If you take what we do seriously, you know just how important it is to give it absolutely your best. Your everything, while you are there on duty. Do it for a while, and you may start to think that they just aren't as safe or well cared-for in other hands. That is my problem. I don't think anyone else can take as good of care of my boys as I did.

The picture taking spree was so much fun. I can't tell you. We laughed so much. Except the picture with Brian didn't go the same way and I'm not posting it because it makes me sad. I want another chance to do a better one.

The photos above are two of my favorites. The first picture is me with our tow truck trooper. He had JUST learned, seconds before the photo, that I was leaving. He's funny, and he put his head on my shoulder and mock SOBBED for a while. He told me that I am one of the only dispatchers the tow truck owners and drivers speak highly of, and say they "never" want to anger. Funny, eh? I'm way friendly, I guess. The second one is with one of our sergeants, who has a pair of the biggest hands I've ever seen. Look at his in comparison with mine, for instance. He has spent lots of time the past week just conversing with me. Some shifts this has been for better than half the shift.

So I take with me many, many stories, and many memories of good and bad times. God had me right where I needed to be for these ten years. I honestly cannot believe that it's over.

Mom Shap signing out

My most awesome quilt

This is the quilt that Yvonne at work made for me out of my discarded quilt blocks. I love that woman. The quilt is backed in red, and trimmed in red fabric with white hearts. It's on the back of the couch in our Bothell home family room. It will bring comfort and warmth until I die, and then Laura can have it. I feel loved.

I get to ride along with Brian tomorrow night. Schwing. I wrote him a poem, but I'm not posting it on here. You'll have to ask.

Goodnight.

Closer, it's getting closer...

Yesterday I watched the pass cameras with great interest and when I saw that it was staying above freezing and wasn't snowing hard, I took off with a load of household items and nearly all of my clothes, and went to Bothell. No worries until I hit Startup which is when the traffic snarl started up... I crawled nearly all the way home from there.

BUT Mr. Shap took me to IKEA and of course that made the bumper-to-bumper traffic a thing of the past. We got two very cool bar stools for our eating area off the kitchen, possibly known as a "bar". We then went out for some delicious food. Back at the house I had to re-paper the kitchen shelves, re-think where I had put everything, and re-organize the whole thing. I was very happy with the result. It could have been a disaster, however, because I got truly stuck in one of the lower cabinets that disappears way off to the right. I stuck my whole self up to my waist in there, don't ask me how, and then I got stuck. I started laughing hysterically, as is my common practice when I'm either scared, hurt, or stuck. Then I pictured the rescue workers cutting my precious cabinets to free me, and I just went for it and yanked myself free. OUCH. One very awesome thing is that the more we put away, the more storage we realize we have at that new house. Exceptional coolness. It looks smaller, but it is way more efficient, I guess.

I bonded with my new home by doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, and cooking a nice full dinner. It made my heart deeply happy. I made cream of potato soup, and since Elizabeth was there I used vegetable broth instead of the usual chicken broth. I also cooked chicken in Coke again (yum) and made steamed broccoli. The interesting thing that happened with this combination was, and this was NOT intentional; I made a "soup bar". Add your own ingredients. The vegetarian among us could have either cream of potato, or cream of potato and broccoli soup! See how it works? And I also made freshly baked French bread. David jumped right on this soup buffet idea, and said I could have all the add-ins you might want, plus bread, crackers, croutons... WHY have I not thought of this before? So as soon as I'm done working here in Wenatchee, there will be a soup bar at the Shapovalovs. You are all invited. It will be a cream of potato base, with offered cheese, mushrooms, sausage, chicken, broccoli, and who knows what else! COOL.

OH YEAH and David bought a mattress set for us. I got a deep moss colored duvet cover for our king sized down comforter, but we like a queen sized bed. Dunno - the king is just TOO big. So anyway I ordered a bed frame, and David bought mattresses and OH MY GOSH they are SO comfortable you have no idea. Now we need the head board/foot board and our furniture. So far David's clothes are still in boxes mainly. ;-)

David got his office going, with wonderful storage furniture from, where else, IKEA! YEAH OH YEAH it looks great. It's like a wall of cubicles, and he bought these box-like inserts for those cubicles you want to use to organize papers or other messy/private things. LOOKS GREAT. He now has a cubicle unit, computer desk, regular desk, chair and ottoman (IKEA) and a BUNCH of file cabinets. We will be buying one more wall shelf unit for in there, and putting one of the double futons against the wall. Let the sorting begin.

The guest room is set up, sort of, with more to do of course. The futon has no frame, so it WAS sitting in sitting position on the floor until Laura moved it into her room last night for Ert to sleep on. I have covered that futon mattress with a navy blue cover, and I bought a navy blue duvet cover for one of our queen size comforters. The twin bed is already made up including a blue quilt on top. Do you see where the guest room is headed? Yes, it's the "blue" room. So on my one-day visit I totally cleaned the kitchen, re-did all the shelf paper and re-organized the shelves, did all the laundry, got our bed set up and put the linens on, stocked our bathrooms with the new earth-toned towels I got, and shopped until I literally dropped, but then I had to drive home. OH YES and I met with the station manager at the Marysville office of the State Patrol and he is anxious for me to join the team as an intermittent employee. I should be working a full week in early December to become familiar with the area. wOOt.

Greg will be heading over there on Thursday. This means his birthday is his Dad's responsibility! SO many places David can take Greg for his BD dinner. I already got him the digital camera he wanted. He's willing to take StrongBad (Laura's cat) over in her tiny KITTEN-sized carrier. Whaddaman. I didn't want to stuff her in that, but I also thought David would be here tomorrow and could take her when he left. He has appointments which will not allow him to break away. I can't have Laura suffering any more without her baby.

I finally got a hold of Carol, who is Justin's step-dad's significant other, and she says Justin does converse with his aunt and uncle on occasion and that he should be home from his duties on the gulf coast at Thanksgiving time, and he and Shannon have "plans" with friends in Seattle for the Holiday. At least I know he's okay, and that I am in good company as she shakes her head... Not having gotten in contact with me I assume I'm not part of the Thanksgiving thing, but on the other hand we will be terribly close to Seattle... Who knows.

I'm feeling very good about the intermediate work in Marysville. But David and I discussed the way the business he is buying is going. It looks like it is going to BOOM in the next year or so, based upon it's past two years' performance. We may expand the business, in which case I would be working with that full time and have to forget the part-time fun with WSP.

OK, so where are my Bothell boys when I'm there???? Nobody came to take advantage of Mom Shap's soup tonight. Maybe once I move there for reals they will start coming around.

AND MY BABY GOT A JOB, bless her heart. Little Laura. How precious. I'm thankful, because it will help her be independent, but I also wish I could work a business with her. Maybe David will decide it is a GOOD thing to bring her onboard once the business takes off. I think she'd be a very charismatic salesgirl.

Yeeks it's nearly 11:30. I am so tired, and look at me just typing away like a moron.

:-)
Goodnight.
Ruth

The goodbye party at work

I didn't know it would hit me like this. Okay, I expected to be sad when I had to say "goodbye" to some of the heros I work with. But my chest hurts.

They had a luncheon at the office, and one of our little airplanes even came, with 3 of "my" boys in it. Juan, who was T-boned in his patrol car on my shift, and faded into unconciousness, and nearly caused me to have a brain explosion, flew the other two there. He's a pilot now. He attempted to make a joke about that but I didn't find it funny and neither did he so he didn't "go there". I remembered that I was pretty much okay until I called one of the other guys, Greg, to tell him about the crash and then I started crying. I had to go outside. You see, in my "job", you become so invested in your troops (well, some of us do) that you take it ultra personally if they're hurt. Greg was telling the other guys that I am the only dispatcher who knows exactly where he is on every shift no matter what he does or doesn't say. One time I got a "feeling" and I sent a Deputy to check on him at a location I felt he was on a stop (he hadn't advised of one). Imagine his surprise when this deputy pulled up and said "Your radio asked me to check on you". Greg was eternally impressed. As it turns out, my instinct was right.

But I'm leaving them. I'm leaving them in other hands, and some of those hands are connected to brains that don't really care. Brains in heads that are hot tempered and unreasonable.

Then there's Brian.

He's not a "unit" or a "trooper"; he's a friend. I think he needs to go west at a high rate. It KILLED me today to look at him sitting there eating food at my farewell party. I wanted to say "Just kidding! I just wanted a party." Tonight thinking about it I just started crying. It's exhausting. I think I'm beyond tired, too, but I didn't mean to make ties that would HURT when they were cut. Dang it. This hurts.

So much about this new life is absolutely awesome and so exciting and such a huge blessing. But to leave what I've built here still hurts a lot. I know I've been in the place I was supposed to be for 10 years. If I wasn't sad now there would be something wrong with me. So I'll just go to bed and cry a while. Tomorrow is a new day.

I haven't heard from Justin 2.0 in forever. I have relayed through Shannon a message to him about our plans.

I don't know if my Greggy will come here looking for food today. THERE IS FOOD, actually. I made meatballs in Yoshida's sauce. For the party. There were a few left.

I got a HUGE birthday cake today at my party. It was beautiful. Poor Tony; I'd assumed he forgot. He planned to surprise me at the party.

I just want to be in Bothell. I want to be David's employee and make coffee cake for his staff. I want to sit on my deck and drink coffee and watch the rain. I want to walk on the waterfront and feed ducks and chickens. I want to have the entire west side posse show up for cookies. I want my Adam to come over for dinner and give that priceless half-smile. I need a hug, darn it.

There was one coworker who, although working today, declined to participate in the food or chatter. He actually hates me THAT much. But, honestly, I could not be hated by a better person for it. If he liked me, I would have to question my morality, ethics, and demeanor. I am sorry that some people seem to live in a fermented state or manure.

I must sign off. My heart is tired. I want Brian to come over and tell me I'm forgiven for leaving.

OH I do have to mention one other amazing thing that happened. I had brought a box of fabric in for my supervisor and for our groundskeeper person (Yvonne) to look through and take what they wanted. Well, Yvonne found a pile of poorly made "quilt blocks" that I had made probably 15 years ago. She took them home and MADE ME A QUILT and trimmed it with fabric from the same box. I DID cry when I saw that. I can't even stand it. I do not deserve that. I want to go pick her up and thump her. I am amazed and humbled. It means more to me than she can possibly understand. It was a pile of my "giving up" and she turned it into a beautiful blanket.

That's all.

It was a day

It's 2:44 in the morning, but it's still Nov 2 to me. Now, TODAY felt like a birthday. I had calls, emails, and flowers and a latte at work. Alllllrightythen. I will send the email out a couple of days earlier next year.

Happy birthday to me

Today is my birthday, such as it is. I get to work 10 hours tonight. I get to try to pack more of this house for moving when I awake later today. I get to listen to the roofing company work, which is what will most likely wake me up. Oh, somebody please let me snap my fingers and have the Bothell house be my only residence, work be done here, and these boxes a dim memory. I long for the smell of rain, the sound of rain, the feel of rain. I ache for the smell of green everywhere. Our new home. My new life. The best birthday present EVER.