Things NOT to say, revisited.

The young father has gained wisdom and insight through his pain. It's
etched into his face in a new seriousness, and quiet sadness, that was
not there before. But I know his heart has been stretched, and can hold
a lot more compassion and can take more anguish than he might have
thought possible before. I know that he would be understanding if a friend
should have unthinkable tragedy intrude in their life, as it did his.

For him and his wife, the seemingly perfect was shattered. All of the assumptions
of "tomorrow" and "what we'll do" were shattered. The predictable, dependable,
the expectations - gone. Suddenly the spark and promise of life was snuffed
out; it was out of order, it was unacceptable. It has forced him to
re-think many things, including the words we say to each other when there
is hurt. Tonight we talked about that. This is some of what I got from
our converstation. He told me that he had a "list" of three things you should NOT say when someone is faced with a situation such as he and his wife have been faced with. Many well-intentioned people said some really dumb things to them, while baby Josie was sick and in the days following her death.

The reactions are not things he said, but just my own opinion...


"I know everything will be okay."
No you don't. You may hope and pray that it will, so say so. Tell me you care about me. I can hang onto that.

"My sister works with a woman who had a friend who had a neighbor whose
baby had the same thing. She did just fine, and the thing is, the doctor needs to...."
No. Stop right there. I'm sorry, but I don't want the diagnosis,
prognosis, or list of surguries. That's a nice story, and later when I'm not
in gut wrenching worry I'll let you tell the whole tale. You aren't a
medical doctor and don't have my daughter's chart in your hand, so just
stop.

"It's okay; she's with Jesus."
That doesn't make it okay. I want her here with me. Yes, I know that we
have a great hope, but I miss her NOW and here. Don't spiritualize my
human pain. It's insulting.

We say a lot of hurtful words to ourselves when we suffer. We accuse
ourselves of all sorts of things, and we replay the tapes and wish we HAD
done this and HAD NOT done that. What if...? If only... The "If" twins.
They kill the spirit. We don't need well-meaning friends to introduce
more doubt into a situation that is already almost more than we can
handle.

What not to say. Anything that brings doubt or is laced with cliche and
plastic "comfort". Anything that is know-it-all and braggy. Anything
that spiritualizes what is down and dirty and human.

What to say. Offer support. Say you are there. Better than that; BE
there. Saying isn't as urgent as being. Come and give me a touch; a hug if
you know me that well. Pat my shoulder as you walk by. Say you haven't
forgotten that I'm hurting. Say you're thinking of me and my family.
Say something I can answer simply with "thanks", and not have to think of
some insightful reply. Let me laugh, or cry, or talk up a storm. Let me
be silent. The heart never runs out of tears, but flowing tears mean
that the emotions are still open and the heart is still soft. Tears
aren't bad.

He told me that how he handled the stress of the whole ordeal was that he talked, non-stop, to anyone around. His wife, however, quietly cried. Each drove the other crazy with the way they coped, but it was very personal, and it was how they coped. It's impossible. I told him there is no warm and fuzzy way to present what they have been given to go through, it hurts, it sucks, it is just HARD and that's that. No answers, no explanations, no moral to the story. Not now, anyway.



This young father has an intense stare. It's like he sees right past
your eyes into your thoughts. Since this tragedy has happened in his
life, I see him seeking comfort. He looks into my eyes and it is as if he
hopes I might produce some wisdom that will help. I can't. I can just
make soup.

Yard Sale

Exhausted. Beyond that, even. I want to veg out, and I should. What a long day. We made bank, I guess, but the people really did get a bargain.

There were two shining moments in this event.

Last evening, when Greg was helping us get the things outside that were heavy, we put the little twin bed out that Daniel's been using. Basically as soon as it was on the lawn we got one inquiry, and then a second couple drove up and bought it. They tried to talk us down from the $50 price, but I thought it was more than fair, seeing as how it had a mattress, bookcase headboard, and the bed frame with drawers, of course. I went in the house and on impulse grabbed a set of twin sheets and brought them to the mom. She handed them to the boy for whom they'd bought the bed, and when I went back in the house, I turned and he was hugging the sheets to himself and rocking back and forth. Broke my heart. I wonder if it's his first real bed...

Then today during the sale, a rather rotund grandma lumbered out of her car behind her happy and bouncy grandson. He looked a bit afraid of Steffy, our pig-dog, but I said "Hey, you're the perfect size to pet her on the head!" which he did, and she went into doggy euphoria and he was quite proud of himself for overcoming his fear. I said "She LIKES you!" and he just beamed. He saw the box of kid stuff, and there were FOUR dinosaur books! He looked at me with HUGE eyes and said "YOU HAVE DINOTHAUR THTUFF? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD DINOTHAUR THUFF!!!" I said, "Well, lots of young boys like dinosaurs!" And he looked SO pleased. He said "EVEN MEEE!" I told him if he could find any little dinosaurs in the box he could have them for free. This was almost too much for his little mind to absorb. "GRANDMA! The little dinothaurth are FREE!!!!" He left with 4 books, a pocketfull of dinothaurth, and a HUGE smile. Grandma bought the two older granddaughters each a purse from Laura's stash of sale items. She left with 3 happy kids, and a Christmas coffee mug, having spent $3.25. Hooray for garage sales.

We made almost $400. Yeah, baby.

I talked to a wonderful assortment of people today. What fun. I had conversations with older women and I love them. I am one, but they think I'm young and they're "surprised" that I have grandchildren, and we get along fine!!! I'm tired, David is close to dead tired, and we get to do this all over again tomorrow except so much is GONE already! The fridge, my bedroom set, the twin bed, lots of dishes and odds and ends. It's almost 7pm and I know I could go to bed right now. So could Steffy, the official greeter of the Shapovalov yard sale. She approved of 99% of the people, and the others got her growl and bark as a reminder to stay their distance. She especially loved one older man who had the kindest face and smile. He bent to scratch her behind the ears and told her she was wonderful. WHY WOULD SHE NOT LOVE THAT???? I love that! :-)

My heart is warmed each time I think of the boy hugging the sheets. I wish I could know who he is, and if he needs more than sheets. It makes my chest hurt to think that sheets are that special when you are 7. And yet, for $50, his parents got a bed that will easily last him 10 years... I do remember being poor. I remember having to scrape together change to buy the kids ice cream from the ice cream man.

David emptied the basement today. Emptied it. Do you have ANY idea how huge that is? It was full of lots of junk and some great memories. One thing that we found was a framed 8X10 of me at age 18. Laura grabbed it to hang in her room. She thinks I was so pretty at that age. Fact is I looked a lot like her, but not as beautiful. I'm not sad that she's my fan. I do wish she wouldn't poke my butt so much. ;-)

Happy birthday soon to Garett, little man. Grandma Shapovalov, Grandpa, and MAYBE aunt Laura will be there for the party. Could we possibly snag a certain handsome Bothell-ite to come along????

Cheers. Snores.

Love,
Mom Shap

Work story alert!

Fun night at work tonight. The 10 hours didn't exactly FLY by, but went by quickly enough.

I had fun working with the particular officers on duty in Wenatchee and Okanogan tonight. At one point, the Wenatchee guys came into the office and the stories started.

This week, one unfortunate Wenatchee trooper had two drunken violators foul up his back seat. The first one vomited all over it, and the second one urinated all over it, even soaking the seat belts. He came in with the vomit guy story. He said he heard the unmistakable sound, and saw in his rear-view mirror the unmistakable sight, of this guy up-chucking. He opened the window between him and the back seat and said "Hey; hang your head out the window and do that!" so the guy did. The trooper demonstrated this - so funny - his head lolled to the side, tongue hanging out, retching. He said "I was thinking, man, I look like a K-9 Unit, with this guy hanging his head out my window with his tongue hanging out like that." The violator had rested his chin on the bottom of the open window, and let the drool and vomit just sort of roll out. I said the trooper should have taken a picture of this lovely sight - "you think you're cool when you're drunk????" The other trooper said it would actually not be a bad idea, for the case report. "Argue with this, Mr. Drunk. Is that your head hanging out my window, with vomitus and drool dripping down???"

Very funny, if you have a law enforcement-warped sense of humor.

I know we had a good laugh about it. But then, I was tired.

We see too many collisions caused by drunk drivers. Why don't people just stay HOME?
The DUI arrests are funny. The DUI collisions are tragic. That's why my boys in blue are heros. They stop the drunk that might have killed your mom, or son, or entire family.

Speaking of family; Laura is not here. This is sad. But she called me while I was at work, and her voice is a happy thing in my life. I'm trying to talk her into bringing me one Daniel this weekend.

I have a 4-day weekend. It's yard sale time. Woo. But I'm so excited to think that one month from now I will be a Bothell resident. OK, so I'll still have a Wenatchee home too. Still. So exciting. God is so good. Adam spoke to the chief of Police in Bothell in my behalf. Adam gets major kudos wrapped in dinner or something.

That's it for now. Mom is wiped, it's way late, and I'm signing off. I wish peace to the young man who thinks his black mark will forever scar his life. Forever is how you see now. In a while it will be a blur.


Love,
Mom Shap

Ch-ch-ch Changes

Wow. So much is going on that it's just nuts. And still I have to go to work everyday like "normal". My mind is distracted, I tell you.

It's just a matter of a few short weeks until I am a full-fledged resident of Bothell. That's amazing. One very cool thing that has come up as a possibility is for me to work for Bothell PD. A dispatcher there just filed his resignation. Our house is basically right up the road from Bothell PD. The pay is better than it is here, as well. I don't think they wear uniforms. :-)

We had the inspection on the house, which went well. Did I write that already? Jirius, our real estate agent, took all of us (including Daniel) out to Olive Garden on Thursday night. Very cool.

I got a bunch of groceries today and I'm making some very cute miniature meatloaves in muffin tins tomorrow, as well as this rice/broccoli/cheese/egg mixture that's baked in muffin tins too. I'm thinking these, frozen and stored in freezer zip-lock bags, will make excellent on-the-fly lunches or dinners. I'm planning to take a bunch to the friends who are still dealing with life after having their angel baby for only 43 days.

I get irritated sometimes. Not really often. But I hate being hounded about something, especially if it's done as if I won't comply with a request I haven't been asked yet. I hate that. Makes me very rebellious and I don't want to comply with that request I haven't been asked yet.

I'm moving to Bothell.

I get to make cookies for the Bothell Posse often and make them dinner and have them show up to just say hello and get candy from the candy basket. How cool is THAT? And I expect them all to come and do those things. But not necessarily all at one time. :-)

I'm tired. But I have tomorrow off, then work 3 10-hour days and have 4 days off. The next weekend is hectic, with a wedding on Saturday and Garett's birthday on Sunday. That should also be the weekend the escrow closes, and Laura can move into the Bothell house. Meanwhile I will call Bothell PD and get a job announcement number and apply! WHIRLWIND. Can I do this????

Mom Shap

Hi!

I have so many words in my fingers. Just don't have the time to type them all.

Yesterday I called the mom who lost her tiny daughter last month. Wanted to see how they are doing. I asked that, and even as I said the words I realized that it's not at all what I wanted to say. "How are you guys doing?" Hmm. Well, let's see now. Try "we're angry" or "we're devastated, thanks for asking." As I told her; the English language is so limited. We don't have many options. She said "We're hanging in there." That's fair enough. So we talked for a while, about soup and how you go on after your world is shattered. Yes, those are related. And I told her about the song, which I believe is called 'Held'. It was written for a mom who had lost a two month old infant. She hadn't heard of it.

This is what struck me. She said they are trying to figure out "what to do now." That is so deep. What do you do after you have had a part of your very heart ripped from your chest? You bleed, you bind up the wound and seek comfort, and you stagger on. I said that these things will come with time. I want to assure them that the pain they feel now is not wasted or worthless, but there is a greater plan that God has ahead. I know they'll learn that, and hearing the words may sound like so much blather at this still-tender time. I did tell her that their lives and testimony have already been a blessing as they have gone through this tragedy. But what DO they do now? Physically, I suppose, they gather the strength to pack up the nursery. Put away the tiny socks and little shoes, and take apart the crib to be stored. Now is the time to lean on the friends and family who surround them. Now is the time to consider their daughter Ruthie who is such a gift and such a little treasure. Now is the time to understand that Josie is a deposit in the Eternal - did Pastor Phil used to say a "down payment"? I think so. You have laid up treasures in heaven. She'll be waiting there for Mom and Dad. The pain in this young mother's voice was so fresh. But she was so willing to talk with me about it and so quick to laugh when we were joking around. It makes my heart just ache to think about the deep despair you would feel to walk back into the house that had just been so full of baby sounds and smells and warmth... Oh God comfort them.

I talked to her at the beginning of my shift, and shortly thereafter the entire shift made a huge flushing sound and went straight down the potty. The two other people on duty went into absolute negativity hyperdrive and ran my spirit into the ground so badly I felt physically ill. At one point I wasn't sure I could remain in the room listening to the pounding and expletive-sprinkled complaining. It was like ... well ....I think it actually defies comparison. I would have to say it was the worst shift I have ever worked as far as negativity goes. It started out badly, and got worse and worse and worse.

I let them know today how badly the shift affected me. It was a surprise. A SURPRISE. *shaking head* I just don't understand it, and I never will. You can choose to find fault with every single aspect of your entire shift or you can just go with the flow and have a good night. GO WITH THE STINKING FLOW. Build a bridge and get over yourself, PLEASE.

I'm weary to the last cell of me.

But I got to go home 2 hours early tonight (yee haw) so that's cool. And I got a recommendation letter from a sergeant yesterday that is beyond amazing and built me up considerably, so that's cool too. Two cool things. ALSO, after I let the two offenders know how their sourness affected me, one promised that it would not happen again. We shall see, but the promise was cool.

Thursday we are going to Bothell for the house inspection and I am going to try to meet the supervisors at Bothell PD and the other police departments in the area, as well as HOPEFULLY see the US Dept of Fish and Wildlife and get my name in there too.

I have to go to the bathroom now, so I'll stop. I do have a story or poem in me but I am not sure I can type it or them.

Mom Shap