Brighter days

Many things have changed in ten days. So many things look brighter. People can change.

I'm glad that there is medical technology to take care of little problems as they arise. I'm
also glad for sick leave time! This will help get me through the remaining time I am assigned
to work in the difficult atmosphere that has always existed, but is worsening by the day. One
fine day, hopefully in the not-too-distant future, I will have that farewell party and fondly hug
and bid goodbye to everyone at the State Patrol. Then on to new adventures and new places. With any luck I should have about a month off to rest and recover, but also to do some quiet reading and crafting and to take long walks.

One thing that I think will be really awesome after we move, is to cater just one Endeavor show. Officially. Like with professional deli trays and iced drinks and baked goods. The backstage area would be this insane feast and the guys could feel like real celebrities. It would be 'Mom Shap's Most Amazing Snacks' or some other such sappy name.

So, yeah, this day is rapidly getting away from me. I'm leaving now.

It's May 15th

Today would have been my Mom's birthday. It is Troy's birthday, Mom's youngest great-grandchild. Troy turned two years old today. Mom always remembered that Troy was Justin's youngest son, that he was born on her birthday, and that he was her "pink baby", a condition caused by an imbalance in the printer ink but she never knew that. Mom just knew that Justin, her precious grandson and my eldest son, had a baby boy born on her birthday, and that he was very pink. Happy birthday, Mom. You get to celebrate it with the angels this year.

Today is also the 29th anniversary of my wedding.

I was 18. Laura's age. How odd to think of that. I wore a wedding dress that my groom didn't like, but I was only to discover that later. I was a child, really, with no idea of what a wife did, or was. I suppose I had the same dream that every young girl does of marriage; that my handsome prince would carry me off to some fantasy land and we would live happily ever after. He would tell me I was wonderful, and I would make his every wish come true.

I was a child, really.

I'm no child now. I am an old woman, with a young heart. I have blonde hair, for heavens' sake! Ok, it's orange, but you know... it was supposed to be blonde. I'm not wonderful, I barely achieve adequate. And I don't get told that I am wonderful, because we, after all, live in the real world.

Fantasy land went the way of the 18-year-old, enter reality, with dirty floors and constantly re-producing laundry. Enter age, with drooping skin that USED to fit, and ever-widening girth which, though comfortable, is anything but attractive. Enter unmet expectations, even failures, although renaming them makes them more acceptable. "Fantasy Land" now includes a job of ever changing hours, replacing the myth that Mom would be Mom and Wife and remain in the home. "Fantasy Land" now includes providing the health insurance for the whole family, making escape from the stressful work environment impossible. "Fantasy Land" rarely includes compliments, rarely includes flowers, and instead has conflict and disappointment. Some wives get love letters. Some get unexplained Bible studies mailed to them, and books by Dr. Laura, to instruct the erring one in proper behavior. I need a book on how to keep afloat. I need a short book telling me I'm wonderful just the way I am.

It's May 15th. It marks the anniversary of my marriage. It marks the anniversary of the birth of sweet little Troy who smiles like his great-grandfather, my dad, one of the great men God allowed to walk on earth. I thank God for Troy, and for his Daddy and Mommy and the other little ones they have gifted me with. Today also marks the anniversary of my mom's birth. Mom would always call me and tell me how many birthday cards she got each year. I think it was the way she determined how important she was to everyone. She found out late in life that her "father" wasn't her father at all, and she carried that secret pain bravely until the day she died. We will never know the truth about her beginnings, and we will never know how she felt about her history being re-written with all questions and no answers.

I am so happy that I have my wonderful children, and my amazing friends and family. Although the idealistic bride didn't see her fantasy realized, she got blessings beyond belief instead... and even the dog and cat who are playing behind me make life full and sweet.

Grandma and the salamander